Long, long ago, badgers were the dominant species on earth. All was well until some bald monkeys fell out of the trees and did not have enough sense to climb back up into them.”Ah,” said the bald monkeys, “We have bigger brains than any other other animal. We’re the dominant species now.” Within a short period of time the badgers were driven from the surface of the earth and forced to live a secretive underground existence.
However, from their setts deep within the wet and windy Wild Wood, the badgers began to observe the bald monkeys and make plans to regain their former status. After all, the bald monkeys, or “oomans” as they preferred to be called, didn’t seem to be quite so clever as they claimed. For a start, with no teeth or claws worth speaking of, the oomans were easy prey for passing lions and tigers yet they showed no inclination to return to the relative safety of the treetops.
Whilst the badgers were pondering on this evolutionary failing, the oomans then embarked upon an even more puzzling venture. Despite having no fur coats, they began to migrate from the warm savannah grasslands to the cold and inhospitable northern regions. Those that managed to survive the Ice Age continued to provide easy pickings for the sabre tooth tigers.
Given this total stupidity on the part of oomanity, the badgers decided they had been conned: oomans were not after all the new dominant species. Plans were formulated and stratagems devised. The badgers would fight back and regain their rightful place as masters of the earth.
Abridged from David Attenbadger’s forthcoming book, “The Life of Oomans” , shortly to be published by The Underground Press.